Monday, December 12, 2011

It hurts so bad.
You want to talk about future?
Just don't.

I give up. For good this time.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

#06 Long lost.

I wanted a closure.

I got it.

There's a hole in my heart. Give it back, please?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

#05 Happy Anniversary, Parents.

22th November 2011.

It marks the 12th year of my parents' separation.
It marks the 12th year of my misery.
It marks the 12th year of not celebrating raya together.
It marks the 12th year of not having a complete family.

Who knew after so many years, I'd still feel the burn.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

#04 Of fairy tales and prince charming

When I was small, I religiously read fairy tales like it was my bible. I still remember the pink colored book that was given by my mama and the smell of the book. It was big for my 4 year old body. I didn't understand what was written in the book but the pictures made me happy. It was like my own sanctuary or oasis.

Back then, I believed that everyone will get their own happy ending. I believed that every happy family should consist of a father, mother and siblings. I believed that love is a beautiful thing. Like I said, it was my own sanctuary. All I could see was the damsel in distress got her prince charming and the unfortunate ends up with a very handsome young prince. The bad guy was so easy to spot and everything is perfect.

But as I was growing up, I realized that not everyone will get their own happy ending. Not all family consist of two parents and siblings. Love is not always beautiful, it causes misery to some of us. The damsel's troubles were caused by the prince charming and the bad guy's identity is always sugarcoated by his charms.

And that's how my innocence was taken away from me. My beliefs. My hopes.

Monday, November 7, 2011

#04 It's all for the best.

I am tired. All. The. Time..

I feel so tired to the point that I just don't want to go out and heck, I didn't do any productive things for the past few weeks. It's been class, assignments, due dates. Everything else is just obscure and honestly, I'm much happier like this.

My feelings have been on a roller coaster ride for the past few days and one important lesson that I have learned is; The less you care, the less you get hurt.

------

Dear ______,

I hope one day, you will realize what a big mistake you made. I will never wish you bad things but I'm sure you've heard about karma, it will somehow knock on your door and give you the treatment that you deserve for treating the people who love you like trash. Yesterday, it could've been much worse from me but I was holding it back for mama. The woman you always hurt.

You see, just because I'm younger than you, it doesn't mean you can disrespect me. It doesn't mean you can be rude to me because whatever happens, I'm your blood.

I forgive you but I will never forget, not this time.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

#03 Such fragile broken things.

You can act like I never matter to you,
You can tell others that you don't care about me,
You can act like I'm non-existent in your life,
You can ignore all of my text messages, my instant messages and my upcoming letter.
But deep down, who the fuck are you kidding?

My closure letter is done.

After writing and tossing the handwritten letter in the dustbin, I finally got the closure that I've been wanting for few weeks now. I guess questioning why you've been ignoring me, why did you go missing just won't cut it. I'm finally accepting that you are no longer a part of my life.

Just one question though,

Did I make it that easy to walk in and out of my life?

Friday, October 28, 2011

#02 Dear daddy.

It's been awhile since we last had dinner as a (complete) family. It was brief, the dinner was simple but to have dinner with you, just you.. It meant the whole world to me. I wouldn't change with for anything in the world, pa.

We don't exactly have the perfect father-daughter relationship. We don't call each other every day, even weeks sometimes. We rarely see each other.

For the past years, our relationship hasn't been easy... We rarely see eye to eye and arguments happen way to easy between the two of us but that doesn't change the amount that I love you, pa. I may not say this often but no matter how far we both are from each other, I love you a great deal.

During dinner, I know you were staring at me. Your eyes filled with regrets; I can see how much you regret not being there during 90% of my childhood. You know dad, I wanted to be one of those kids who had their father to talk to the guy that his daughter is seeing.. The father who creeps the guy that his daughter is seeing.. Make stupid comments and gives creepy smile. The father who taught his babygirl how to ride a bike and how to beat up boys. I never actually had those memories with you. It was all with mama..

I would love to believe that you were there throughout the nineteen years of my life but both you and I know that whatever I want to believe in is a lie. I envy those kids who have their dads to comfort them whenever they have their hearts broken, or the ones who have their dads to back you up when you got into a pile of mess. I didn’t have any of those, dad but it’s alright.. Whenever I sleep at night, I’d picture you as this superhero I never had.

Despite of all that, my love for you can't be measured, pa. Every day, I miss you. Every single moment, I'm always proud of you. I know I don't say this often but you are more than enough. I just wish I could say this to you but I can't. I love you, pa.

and I forgive for all the years that you weren't there for me.

And I hope, you'd forgive me too for being an absent-daughter.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

#01 This is temporary.

I do not know how many times I have gone through this; jumping from one blog to another. Deleting one blog, creating another one later. It actually acts as my very own tranquilizer when all else fails.

This is for the people who have been strong for too long,
This is for the people that sleep late at night, waiting for the text that never came,
This is for the people who think that bottling up is much better than speaking out,
This is for the people who feel so alone at night,
This is for the people have lost so much and never gain enough,
This is for the people who think they are weak when in reality, they are stronger than they think,


This is for the lost souls.